Healing After Cesarean: One Woman's Journey Back To Wholeness by Michelle Maniaci

One Women’s Journey To Feeling Whole After Cesarean...
I was diagnosed in the hospital at 42 weeks pregnancy with a “non-progressive labor”. After 40 weeks of a wonderful pregnancy, I became nervous especially since discovering all that could go wrong if I waited too long to deliver from my husband, a pediatric emergency room doctor. I tried everything possible to go into labor “naturally” (which looking back on it, I realize that is not very “natural” to try to force nature”, I finally gave in to my husband’s wishes, and got induced in the hospital at 42 weeks. Shortly after my admission to the hospital, I received Pitocin in the hospital. The contractions were strong and fortunately for me, I used all my wonderful yoga breathing and belly dancing techniques to alleviate any discomforts from the strong contractions, especially since I had a posterior occiput presentation (back labor). After two days of laboring and dilating only up to 6cm, feeling powerless and defeated, I surrendered to the Epidural. Five hours later, after only one extra centimeter of dilation, Cesearean section seemed like the only other viable option, for this child was by now very late and I was reminded of how there would be a higher risk of meconium aspiration if we waited much longer. I did not want to jeopardize my baby’s health any further, so I surrendered to the Cesarean. I remember feeling in that split second, like such a failure, my body that I had so celebrated during my pregnancy and believed in somehow was not supporting me in birthing naturally. Where did I go wrong? I taught Prenatal Yoga, am a physical therapist who works with pre/postnatal women, what did I not do correctly or know that could have led me on a different more natural course? I had wanted so much a natural birth, and that desire, that strong attachment/expectation I had imposed on my body-mind coupled with the reminders of all that could go “wrong” if I was 42 weeks, I feel played a strong role on my outcome.

As I lay there in the operating room, my arms strapped down in a T position, I tried to gain some control of the uncontrollable arm shaking by connecting to my Diaphragm as I had done during the two days of labor. I finally let go and surrendered to the moment, while I was being operated on. I surrendered emotionally and physically and stopped “trying” to dilate and birth. A few minutes later, I heard my daughter’s cry, and saw the biggest smile in my husband’s face. My husband showed her to me, I was crying because I felt so much joy in meeting her, but also sadness for all that I had put my husband through, as he wanted me to get induced at 40 weeks. Suddenly it did not seem to matter to me whether or not she was born vaginally, I just wanted to hold her and breastfeed her, but I could not hold her because my arms were strapped down and I was also feeling very drowsy. I felt a strong urge to be with her that gave me a boost of energy and alertness. I told my husband to stay by her side, as I was not going to be able to be with her while they sewed me up. I felt assured she would be safe and fell asleep after being awake for almost 3 days. When I woke up, I panicked because I was not sure how many hours went by that my baby was without her mommy, she was not in my room! I asked my husband to go and get her immediately and was so upset that she was not in our room. They brought her from the nursery. I was not going to miss my precious window of time where we needed to bond and connect after this traumatic labor/birth experience. Feeling terrible pain and emotional defeat, I turned on my inner strength and began to breastfeed my daughter who was very unresponsive and drowsy after the Cesarean. It was very difficult for me to get her to latch correctly, and my nipples were bleeding within two days. Every nurse had a different method to teach me in regards to breastfeeding, which seemed overwhelming for me to learn all their different techniques while in the hospital. They did not ever tell me to allow my baby to look for the nipple, but she was so drowsy/drugged out from the Cesarean, she was not alert enough to do this natural event correctly. I think we had a tough start because I was now “trying so hard to breasfeed her naturally”, instead of giving her the space to look for the breast and in her own time and this frustrated her.

I tried my best to nurse her, and suppressed all feelings about the labor/birth in the back of mind because I was not going to allow anything to interfere with myself breastfeeding her in the moment. Days later I was able to go home. At home I felt more relaxed, and as a result, an overwhelming urge to cry, which seemed easier to allow those feelings to drain through me while I was breastfeeding her especially in a dimly lit room. Long and slow diaphragmatic breaths coupled with passive “letting go” exhalations allowed me a way to feel and drain the suppressed emotions and judgements I had placed on myself, that I had held on to after the 40th week of pregnancy for those last two weeks. Mindful breathing helped me to stay more present and calm, to move the suppressed feelings of sadness, disappointment, and fear through me. My daughter was now my motivation, I needed to pull myself together so I may be the best mommy for my daughter.
I remember telling myself as I hugged myself with my arms, “ I forgive you Michelle, I love you, you did the best you could.” Acceptance of what happened to me, loving myself, and forgiving myself was key in moving on and healing after Cesarean.
I now had to support myself in the next phase of life as a parent, and breastfeeding seemed the most rewarding and helpful way to re-unite with my daughter after birth. I felt so relaxed and a natural high when I breastfed her. I would visualize love juice coming out of my breasts and filling her up with all the love I had for her. As I did this visualization I felt my breasts tingling, and a surge of milk coming out. I realized then how intricately the mind-body connection is, how every thought influences our body and vice versa, how my thoughts during those last two weeks of being pregnant were not helping me to birth naturally as they were filled with doubt, frustration and fear. I loved watching my daughter breastfeed and watching her go into a deeply Blissful state at the end of her feeding, watching her limp body, so relaxed after breastfeeding. These precious moments occurred every two hours, as she loved to eat! The breastfeeding was a powerfully healing experience for me after the Cesarean.

My husband and I both had to forgive each other for not working as a team through the whole process. He let fear and the traumas he had seen at the Pediatric ER affect how he was with me during my pregnancy and labor. We both have grown from this experience and I know somehow we are better for our daughter and each other from these series of events happening to us.

For my physical healing, I began to connect daily to my diaphragm and began toning my transversus abdominus by gently contracting my abdominal corset and “hugging my uterus” by drawing inwards the lower abdominal towards the spine. I also began attempting belly rolling which I had learned in belly dance, as a way of invigorating the abdominal area. I began massaging and released the scar tissue after 6 weeks post-cesarean. The lower abdominal area felt numb and was not easy to move, it felt hard and lifeless for many months post-Cesarean. My background as a physical therapist empowered me to correctly rehabilitate my respiratory, postural, and movement muscles after surgery. My study of yoga philosophy taught me to to practice just BEING fully present in the moment and to allow the past events to flow, to stop judging myself, to stop analyzing why I did not have a natural birth, to accept, and love myself exactly as I am. Belly dance based movements of my pelvis, abdominals, and hips allowed me a way of nurturing and reconnecting to my body by gracefully moving the parts that felt disconnected. The more time that passed I felt more energy in my lower abdominal area, nurturing movements allowed me to experience self-acceptance, self-love, this wholeness feeling is healing. My background as an infant massage instructor allowed me precious time to bond and connect with my baby when I was not feeding her. I remember as I massaged her body how intently she would look at me. Her big smile and cooes were reassuring me that she was enjoying my affections. I lived in Boston at the time, and it was cold so I carried her in my Sling every where I went as we walked most of the time instead of driving. My daughter and I felt so close-breastfeeding, infant massage time, taking baths together, singing to her, exercising with her on my body, teaching her baby signs, developmental play, sleeping with her by my side, carrying her close to my body in the sling, speaking to her and listening intently to her making sounds to me, all of these activities were ways of healing, feeling whole again with my daughter after the Cesarean birth. Activities that brought me fully into the moment helped me in moving forward. I even took a drumming class three weeks after the surgery, and I remember my mother thinking I was crazy, but I felt so enlivened, and I had my little one next to me in the other room. I felt so great to have two hours to myself, to drum using my hands and my heart. The vibrations from the Djembe drum seemed to energize my abdominal pelvic area, as I had to hold the drum in between my legs.

I learned so much from the whole experience. I probably should have never had a hospital birth-I did not fit in the medical model, I believed wholeheartedly in my body’s wisdom, but I allowed myself to feel intimidated and allowed their fears and impatience get the best of me. Judging myself and expecting myself to have a natural birth because I am a prenatal yoga teacher was a pressure I placed on myself that was unnecessary, as my students would still love me no matter how I birthed. I learned that the way we birth does not define us as who we are as women, and that sometimes we can’t control every outcome.

I realize now how important it is to have people around you that support you and accept you for who you are and do not have an agenda (a hospital staff that wants to “get you to go quickly into labor so they may clear a room), that believe in the ability of your body to birth without fear and judgement. I also learned that I should not expect anything from anyone, to love my husband as he is even if he was filled with fear in those last two weeks, he was doing the best he could. I had tried so hard to birth naturally that it became unnatural. The tension and stress I accumulated for two weeks after being 40 weeks pregnant worked against me. Instead I felt torn between trusting my body and trusting medical expertise. I learned that our modern culture has such a deep rooted misunderstanding of what a woman really needs during pregnancy, labor, birth, post-birth, and for assisting women in breastfeeding after a traumatic birth. I just needed a peaceful, safe, and nurturing environment where I did not feel pressured, watched/observed, I know this would have been more helpful in enabling my body to feel comfortable rather than scare me by reminding me of all the negative things that could happen to my baby. I learned the hard way that hospitals are great for emergencies but less than optimal for supporting natural unmedicated births.

I am grateful for the full spectrum of experiences that I had to endure, which today I can share that insight with the women I serve as a pre/postnatal physical therapist, yoga teacher, dance teacher and infant massage instructor. This experience has inspired me to create an integrative approach to pre/postnatal fitness and birth preparation called Nurturing Moves.

Women need to share their stories as I am, to raise awareness of how our experiences taught us what women really need for birthing and to offer solutions for the challenges we face. Today it appears we are more comfortable with surgery, with medicated births, it is as though we have lost touch with our natural essence which is peace, love, and BEING in the present moment. There is too much fear of what could go wrong in hospital/medical births (thinking in the future tense). It is time for us to regain our connection to our humanity, one conscious breath at time, one way that has helped me is with nurturing thoughts, breaths, moves, massage, fitness, carrying, and breastfeeding my little girl. Natural experiences are healing and make me feel whole. The most important lesson I learned was to first and foremost believe in my body’s amazing ability to birth and not to allow fear to take over. I now know that everything is unfolding as it should for our highest good and to trust in the whole process, however that may unfold. To surrender to the moment is a healthy way to live, instead of “trying” so hard to make things “happen.” I am grateful for all these experiences.